And then she was gone…..
My Mama died on Labor Day evening at 9:05pm.
There is no easy, gentle way to put it. I guess I could have tried to be more eloquent with my words. But everything, including words, feel pretty raw at the moment. I feel weird telling people this news. But I feel as if they should know. Why do I feel that way? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I want them to know me, all of me. Even if they are fairly mild acquaintances. I don’t really want them to feel sorry for me. And I know that some people feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. Because even those of us who believe we have a small glimpse of what happens to our essence (or soul) when our earthly shell is done using it, there isn’t a lot of documented hard evidence of what really happens, or how. So that makes some of us more anxious and afraid of death than others. And some people just don’t want to hear what they perceive as bad news.
Dying and mourning seem to be the biggest test of Faith that I have yet encountered. I don’t have all the answers. I am not sure that I have any of the answers. I do know that it hurts. Even if I don’t show it on the outside. The pain is searing.
I have dealt with death before. Eighteen years ago, my brother killed himself. That hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. Somehow this hurts deeper. Quieter. Is it because it is my mother? She has been the only human to know me before I was born. The Scriptures say that God knit me together in her womb; where I was “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I am not sure that I have always been cognitive of that special closeness. I think it might be a particular closeness since I was first born. It was a first for both of us. Does that make it special? I am not sure about that, but I think it makes it a unique relationship.
And now that relationship is done. At least on a physical level. A lot of people say that they can feel their departed loved ones. I am not so sure about that. But I have been noticing a difference this week about silence. I have been reveling in silence. I have been loathing it. I have been sobbing in it. It is different, frightening, and incredible all at the same time. I don’t think it is necessarily sensing my mother’s presence. But it could be sensing God’s presence more. And that feels like a wonderfully comforting thing to sense.
I will probably write about my mom more here in the coming months. Maybe more eloquently, maybe not. For those of you who just want quilting news, feel free to pass over these kind of posts. I will probably be adding some more “real life” posts, just like I used to when I first started blogging. It is MORE of who I am. And I think that is part of why I blog. To share my thoughts on all things, not just the world of needle, fabric, and thread.
And if you want a reason for stories about my mom being here, she did teach me how to sew. As for the other “non-quilting” posts to come, I have no idea how they will relate, if at all.
But they will be a part of me. And part of the Blue Nickel.
Talking and Walking in the Silence,
It is never easy and even losing someone as close the words are still not there. Prayers an virtual hugs to you and your family
Im very sorry for your loss of your mom, and here’s another virtual hug, though they aren’t nearly as good as the real kind. I still cry over the loss of my precious mom, and it’s been almost 32 years. Allow yourself to grieve.
I am sorry for your loss. No matter how old we are, we always need our mother. I lost my mother 7 years ago and still think of her every day. Prayers for your family.
I think writing out your thoughts and feelings is a great way to walk through the grief. It is a journey that will change and take new shape as you go. I love the pictures and what you wrote with them. Beautiful memorial to her.
Your mom is a big part of your story. As a human being who thinks deeply and embraces the space around you, your blog would be incomplete without This part. You have connected with people who care for you, so let us share this grieving time with you. No apologies needed. Prayers and hugs to you, Scott.
Oh wow, we are here on the other side, and the pain so intense I can hardly breathe for you because it brings up feelings of my own. You and she are both survivors of your brother and that has to bring on intense emotion. I can only tell you your love for your mother is what she most needed while here on earth and you gave that unconditionally. I love you Scott and sitting in silence along side you with prayers for healing …always, Jennifer.
My Dear Friend I am so sorry for your loss. This post and photos were beautiful. I lost my mom 10 years ago October 13th and she was my very best friend. We did everything together. I only can say that I am sending virtual hugs and prayers for you and your family. Revel in the good times and look at those photos you have often. She was a beautiful woman and the photos I absolutely love. Take time to heal. Mourning is different for everyone. Keep that great sense your humor alive and show that beautiful smile you have often. Hugs from your crazy blond friend on the east coast.
Well your comments were eloquent on this entry. Write away. Your thoughts will keep her memory alive and we will come to know you better. Knowing you better will help us look at your creations in new ways. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss, Scott Every one grieves in a different way. I think writing about your loss will help you to deal with it. You did a wonderful job expressing your thoughts and sharing your pictures I lost my mother 17 years ago and sometimes it is still hard to think about. I will pray for you and your family. May you find peace and comfort in your time of grief.
I am sorry for your loss and know that there are really no words that can change how you feel. It takes time to get over the loss and be able to focus on the good memories.
So very sorry Scott. This is a beautiful remembrance of your Mother and I look forward to reading more about the moments in your life…and of course the fabric and quilting too!
This post is a lovely tribute to your Mom….I know grief and I know writing about it is so helpful to me. My blog has been a quilting/therapy blog for two years now, I do not know your grief…I do know that I am sorry you have to have it. Keep writing about it in your posts. This was such a rich post.. Hugs from Charlotte, NC
I’m glad you are sharing this. For some people, writing can be part of the healing process of grieving. I would love to know more about her and her life. Hugs xoxo
Dear Scott, I am so sorry for the loss of your mama………..that’s also how I referred to mine. She passed into Jesus’ loving arms in August 2012. The pictures you posted are so special. Keeping them and your memories alive will help you toward healing. May you find comfort and strength in God’s open, loving arms.
Coming up on the 5 year anniversary of losing my Mom. The best way I could describe it was a silent scream. A pain so deep that I couldn’t articulate it. Prayers of comfort for you as you mourn your Mom.
I am so sorry to hear your sad news. One never gets “over” a loss like this, you just get through it, but with the Lord you know you are not alone in your pain and that as you walk this lonely valley you know He is carrying you close to His heart. May you be blessed with happy memories of Mama that bring a smile to your lips to go with the tears in your eyes.
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom. Looking at what was probably an lovely Easter photo of her in 1954 makes me think your Mom was close to my age. Sometimes my daughter worries about being without me. I told her not to worry. When anything comes up she’ll hear me. She’ll know exactly what I would say about any given situation….grin. Just remember her and smile. Big hugs and prayers from Texas.
We all hope that our parents will live forever I know when my Mom died 34 years ago at the young age of 54 I felt that way so I know what you are feeling. My thoughts are with you at this sad time.
Scott I am so sorry to hear of your Mother. It is a loss that will always be felt but will be sweeter with time. I lost my mom 9 years ago after a long illness and know the sadness that settles into your heart. God works in mysterious ways so just allow him to work in His way in His time. He is there and she will always be there too.
I’m so sorry, Scott. I firmly believe in writing through pain and will appreciate any other posts you choose to share.
Love and condolences. Very hard to write about.
A mom has a special place in our lives wherever she is. I am sorry she isn’t here on earth now. Do whatever helps to process the feelings and know that there are many nearby who can listen.
I’m sorry for your loss, Scott. Such a hard loss to bear.
Blessings on this new journey….
Keep writing about whatever you want, especially your Mother! I love knowing how you got to be such a great guy. Clearly, she is very much alive in you.
Scott, I’m so sorry to hear that your mom passed. This is a beautifully written tribute. My prayers are with you as you grieve.
Sitting in silence can allow us time to really connect to the emotions we feel. There is a rawness of thought and emotion about it when we lose someone so close. I do pray that you had an opportunity to fully enjoy your relationship with your mother so that you will have many pleasant memories to comfort you. My prayers are with you and your family.
My heart and prayers are with you Scott. I lost my own Mom just three weeks before your Mom passed. Time has blended for me and I am still numb. How wonderful it is she who taught you to sew.
Scott, I am sorry to hear about losing your mama. There are still days, when all is silent in the home, that I still shed a few tears, now 40 years later. I haven’t had any supernatural encounters but often times feel a sense of peace that I know is either her presence or God’s- maybe both. Memories are wonderful and your pictures are gorgeous! Take care.