My world changed again about two weeks ago. I knew it was coming but didn’t realize how difficult this was going to be. Or how broken I would feel inside in spite of  having told myself I would be ready for it.

I hadn’t heard from my dad for a few days, which normally isn’t too unsual, but after about 4 days, I was starting to worry as he is 81 and lives alone and stubbornly doesn’t have one of those doodads that you wear in case you fall when you are older and live alone… you see where this is heading don’t you?

So Monday June 1st, 2020 I had to break a storm-door window because for some reason, I only had the key to the Front Door of Dad’s house which was behind an AMAZINGLY Strong but locked storm-door (that I didn’t have the key to)…..So, long story short, I found Dad on his floor between his bathroom and bedroom, conscious but barely and as I found out from the EMT’s  later with a blood pressure of  70/50 (normal for a man that age is 135/80). He was severely dehydrated and his dentures weren’t in, so I thought he had a stroke at first, but the doctors didn’t think that was the case. There were other ultimately as severe problems going on.  Dad didn’t want to go to the hospital with the EMT’s but I convinced him it was best.

I went with him to the hospital that Monday, he had a surgery Tuesday because his bladder has started to come out of a hernia opening (and I guess this had been for some time, but Dad somehow didn’t notice this other than increasing incontinence problems. I had told him he needed to go to the doctor and found out later he had, but ignored the Doctor’s advice to go to ER a few days before) There are so many little medical details in this that I don’t want to bore you with.  He was a stubborn man and didn’t want me to help him too much, in hindsight, I might  have helped him more but I can’t really know. Anyway, the surgery seemed a success, but later that night he went into Septic Shock. They had to do CPR on him. I got a phone call that he was in Critical Care that next morning.

My sister is a nurse and lives in the Midwest. She was afraid this might happen, but I thought once he made it out of surgery, he would be okay. He didn’t want to be supported by machines he had said, so with my sister on the phone, we talked to the doctor. Though neither one of us could bear to say it, we asked the staff to let Dad try on his own, which we hoped he would go for, but he didn’t have it in him anymore. And he passed away at about 7:00 AM, Wednesday, June 3rd, 2020. But Linda and I were there at least, each holding his hands, so he wasn’t completely alone.

Now he is with my Mom, and I know that will make him happy. He has been miserable without her these last 4.75 years without her.

Now the feelings start…

Dad and I were never super close. I actually felt pushed away more and more after Mom passed away. I was way closer to Mom. But I know Dad loved me, he just didn’t get me, you know? He would always be there for my family helping with things he knew how to do better than me. Dad was always a good provider to the best of his ability. He never did well in school, so we always lived a blue collar life, but we always had food and shelter, if not all of the ‘things’ others did.

A farmer at heart, he only owned his own working income producing farm for 10 or 12 years. Mom saved and scraped for everything… After Mom died, Dad was NOT so good at that. He spent money on stuff he didn’t need, but luckily didn’t go deep into debt…just spent a lot in the last few years. Mild hoarder I am thinking. But honestly, I think that was because  he was trying to fill the void Mom left behind.

I loved my Dad, but there’s always been a little gap between us. I honestly thought I would be more prepared for this day as I really felt he had been going away from me for quite awhile. But to my surprise, I still feel this void.

An empty spot inside.

And now I have to clean up after him and go through his belongings, which feels TOTALLY weird and TOTALLY wrong, but it has to be done.

The Quilter’s Angle on all of this…..

Dad had a LOT of plaid shirts!

So here’s where the quilting part comes in, thanks for trudging through all of that with me to get here. I had some of Mom’s clothes after she died as well but never did anything with them.  Now it seems highly appropriate to combine their clothes into a couple of quilts. One for me, and one for my sister.

This is actually the most I think I have written about my feelings on Dad’s passing since he died. I have been trying to journal, but the act of sitting and writing with a pen these things has overwhelmed me before I get too far. I have been cutting apart clothes (which also feels weird) and trying to sew and cope and pray and trust God that they are together again and rejoicing in Heaven with Jesus and all of the saints.

But for now, I am here, and have much work to do as I try to take care of two households in transition. If you follow me on Instagram, I have mentioned there {and I think here} that we are trying to downsize our home and upsize our studios so we have been packing up things here as well.  Putting our house on the market has now taken a backseat to selling Dad’s place.

There are a lot of stresses in the rest of the world besides my little pocket of stress. Mine is minor compared to so many others suffering losses of their own. But this is ours. I hope that you can find peace and consolation in God and your stitching amidst your stressful situations as I am seeking to find.

I titled this post Adrift and Speechless. That really is how I feel most of the time right now. But I am not too Adrift because I know Jesus is my Anchor…..there’s just a lot of turbulence in the water right now. And I am apparently not completely Speechless.

Certainly this is just the beginning of the process. I imagine I will be thinking and wondering about a great many things for the rest of my life.
I’s so grateful that I have my God, my Family, and YOU, my community to go through this journey with me. Thanks for sticking around here.

Keep Sewing, Keep Happy, and Keep Loving,



  • Robin


    My sincere condolences on the passing of your dad. May the Lord bring you peace and happy memories as you quilt.

    June 18, 2020 at 7:20 am
  • Here is your reminder: grief comes as it does, with its own timing, agenda, and intensity. We learn to live with grief as something of a companion, rather than walking with it for a time and then moving on. Grieve how you grieve Scott. Be compassionate with yourself as you journey through this. I know you can’t let us know what you need because it doesn’t work that way. So please know I’m praying for you and your family. Know that while you didn’t feel particularly close to your dad the grief is weirdly magnified, as there are other emotions that will bubble up and vie for attention. Acknowledge them for what they are and give them their space.


    June 18, 2020 at 7:20 am
  • Cindi Ariss


    Scott, I’m so sad to hear of your father’s passing. This is part of our aging process, not a fun part, for sure. I hope you have plenty of good memories. Men from that era often didn’t know how to express their feelings; I am sure he loved you and was proud of your success, even if he didn’t understand it. Sending prayers to you and your family for peace and healing. ❤️

    June 18, 2020 at 7:25 am
  • Barbara Lasky


    You expressed your feelings eloquently, even if you are feeling adrift. I think we deal with the loss of the people we love for the rest of our lives. I pray that your relationship with Jesus will ultimately bring you some inner peace. It sounds like you did the best you could to help your father after the loss of your mom.

    June 18, 2020 at 7:56 am
  • Tracy J. Hickey


    Thanks for sharing your thoughts as you go through this process of grief. I know that I will soon go through something similar with my own 81 year old mom and found your expression of the complicated feelings that go with this to be moving and comforting. Best wishes to your family.

    June 18, 2020 at 8:24 am
  • My sincere condolences to you and your family. May the Lord of all comfort be especially close to you as you grieve his loss. I am happy he knew the Lord Jesus and is happily rejoicing at the Saviors feet along with you mom. What a comfort that is!

    June 18, 2020 at 1:43 pm
  • Mary Hope


    Hugs Scott!!!

    June 18, 2020 at 2:49 pm
  • When you lose both parents it is very hard. No one loves you unconditionally like your parents. Take your time and your grief will work it’s own path. Make some quilts with the shirts and remember some happy times. I just made 10 to remember my brother who died way to young.

    June 18, 2020 at 9:27 pm
  • Lisa B


    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your Dad’s passing. My sincere sympathies to you. I think you very eloquently expressed what I will be going through with my 88 year-old mom at some point in the future. I’ve wonder how I will feel after her passing and you’ve given me a glimpse into the future. Following the death of my husband and step dad I joined Grief Share through my local church. I’m so glad I did as it helped me have a different perspective on and work through my Grief.

    June 19, 2020 at 1:45 am
  • Judy


    I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this especially with everything else that is going on. I can understand being closer to one parent than another. For me it was the opposite as I was much closer to my dad. He passed before my mom and she never could get past it so spent her last years unhappy as she was the stubborn one and didn’t want to move closer to any of her children, Grief is different for everyone and I found it much harder to lose my dad than my mom and I have always thought it was because I was closer to him. What I do know is that this too shall pass.

    June 19, 2020 at 4:21 pm
  • Much love coming your way as you go through this tough time. Remember the good times and they will stay with you forever. XO

    June 25, 2020 at 8:32 am
  • Dear Scott, I am so sorry about your Dad. You and your family are in my prayers. Your pain and loss isn’t any less important than what anyone else is going through. God cares for you as much as anyone else, as I’m sure you know. During the last couple of years my little granddaughter had brain cancer, surgery, treatments, and many painful complications. One Sunday a friend at church told me she felt guilty having prayer requests for her own illness and troubles when she thought of all my little granddaughter was going through. That broke my heart. I hugged her and told her, never feel that way. God cares as much for her as anyone else. He wants to heal her pain and heartaches as much as my granddaughter, Jolee’s. How wonderful it is to trust in Jesus, knowing no matter what, if we are one of His, we can have peace. God bless.

    July 6, 2020 at 6:29 am
  • tammy wolf


    Darn it, I am sorry for you and your family, words cannot express how badly I feel for you. I love how you shared with all of us, your grief, it will help you to process this tragedy better. You are clearly expressive in words and deeds. Be grateful you found him when you did, and that you were able to give him time to be with you, before he danced with your mom again. Gods blessing is truly on all of you… Tammy Wolf

    July 6, 2020 at 1:58 pm

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.